A drive north. A tall thin doctor, very flat, except that he smiles and laughs when talking about his test taking habits. A nurse brings a folder into his office and gurgles a sentence of acronyms. He looks at the folder, we stand up and walk next door. There is almost always a man and a woman on the exam table. He introduces me and turns out the lights and becomes a wizard. Left hand on glowing emeralds and diamonds, right hand a wand. Coalesced static forms a skull, abdomen; the sharp line of a femur to be measured. He can make a 3D image of the face, and the parents are transfixed. One man repeatedly asks for a picture of the babies foot. One solo woman with short curly hair learns that she has a currently healthy 13 week old boy. When the lights come on she wipes tears, grabs a styrofoam cup and her bag and leaves.
It is beginning to get warm.
Walking from my car at 0645 I begin to sweat through my clothes. Rounds and lectures with the department. A break with a friend and more lectures. Contraception methods. Abnormal pap smear management, which consists of looking up the plan online and following the algorithm. After, I try to go to the lab and switch to research. Instead, I look at away rotation applications and requirements, tormenting myself with schools who require minimum step 1 scores that I don’t meet. I’m really in the lab to use the a/c. Walking outside is like opening an oven to check on dinner. The wind is warmer than still air and carries a faint odor of smoke. I check my phone to rule out inclement firestorm and it dies. I sleep on my couch to be near the a/c.
Morning is still 80. L&D day two. I help deliver two babies. Another c-section to scrub in to, and I get to practice suturing fascia. The resident is impressed with the fascia opportunity. My notes on patients become chaos. They get moved from a room and room numbers become worthless. Last names don’t help. All the G’s and P’s meld into either G1 or Gmultiple. Which page is who? I’m asked to take a history and she speaks only Spanish. A bright blue phone holds a translator. I talk to her she talks to the wall. I can hear the translators judgement of my questions. I’m told she says 39 weeks and first pregnancy. The attending gets 41 weeks and 3rd pregnancy, confirmed in prior records. I forget to ask many questions. I’m told the attending is impressed with me. Remind myself to keep trying despite fear, the only way to improve. Home at eight and eating dinner close to nine. Perpetual sweat. Sleep on the couch again.
Day off. Sleep in until my dampness becomes unbearable. Make a seran wrap green house for one of the orchids I repotted. Pack things to go to gym and lab to get a/c. Realize I lost my student ID. Drive to the hospital to look. Can’t find it. Make an office in front of the a/c for a few hours, then go for a run outside. Warm air at dusk is delightful. Can’t stop sweating in the apartment, make banana breakfast muffins anyway.
I learn from an intern and a midwife for half of a day. The intern has many of the same questions I do, which is reassuring. Gym at lunch time, food truck for lunch. An Arizona Iced Tea wards off heat anxiety. I study at the lab, and discover how helpful Case Files are. I must go through them all as quickly as possible. I’ll take a few notes by hand, but only Anki the questions from each case I get wrong. I’ll finish cases before UWorld.
I’ve been reading Eye Level by Jenny Xie. When I used to write poetry I used words like she does. You feel them in your mouth as you read/write them, pair them together based on mouthfeel, flavor, texture. A new line is to swallow.
Listening to Future’s BEASTMODE 2. Intricate bass heavy beats, hardship and pain next to triumph, confidence and persistence.